by Melinda Pillsbury-Foster
I
first encountered the reality of domestic violence after I learned
to read but before I understood what it meant to be dead. Proper parents
did not confront their children with the stark realities of death,
violence or abuse. My parents, a college professor and a mathematician,
were all that was proper in that regard. Therefore the hushed conversation
I overheard when Father came home unusually early looking very upset
and not at all like his usual assured self. I was shooed out of their
bedroom and therefore took up my usual listening post just outside
the door in the hallway. Yes, I was an insufferable brat. But I had
ascertained that you learn interesting things by listening.
On
this occasion I hear my father’s voice speaking low and rumbling with
pain talking about a bloody event. The estranged husband of one of
the office employees had shot down his wife. Their voices dropped
so low I could not hear and then rose. I heard the shock in my mother’s
tone. The tiny drops of red on his formerly crisp white shirt now
made ugly sense.
We
call it domestic violence. We urge women to ‘move on,” “be positive,”
and “stop asking for it.” We talk down to the victims even while we
fail to make it safe for them to leave. Then we blame them for enabling
the abuse. We protect the ‘rights’ of the violent in preference to
protecting the lives of the innocent.
In
this way we fail as individuals and as a nation to say NO to violence.
Therefore, with the inevitable logic of causality we say yes to continuing
generations of fear, deceit, violent abuse and death.
There
are lots of ways to spell stupid.
Two
generations ago a woman named Rosa Parks took a seat on a bus denied
to her by the law. Seated beside and around her were attorneys and
activists who were mandated to protect her person and her rights.
We celebrate Rosa Parks as a hero for freedom, and so she is.
What
are we saying to women who fight back to change the system? I will
tell you. We say, “You are too smart to do this.” “Get on with your
life.” “You can do nothing so don’t try.”
It
is not surprising that there has been no Rosa Parks for domestic violence.
No one would or could endure the danger and abuse it would take to
create such a case. Therefore changing our cultural practices makes
it essential that women who have been abused stand up for their rights
and challenge the powers that be. To do that we need to recognize
the kind of courage it takes to do that and give them support.
I
know. My own daughter has tried to speak out and the powers that be
agree on one thing. She must be silenced. They offer her no support
only sappy advice about moving on; advise they would never offer to
a victim of any other kind of institutional injustice.
More
women die today of domestic violence than die of prejudice. More lives
ad maimed and distorted; more damage is done to each of us and to
the future we are trying to build for our children. Supporting women
who speak out from all walks of life is the moral duty of anyone and
everyone who is committed to changing the stark reality of domestic
violence. That means not treating battered women as flawed but understanding
that it is our system that commits them to lives of terror and fear.
When
women speak out we should see what they could accomplish for others
by forcing change to take place. We should thank them, support them,
and encourage them with all that it takes to say NO to violence and
YES to human relationships free of violence, coercion and fraud.
I
am prouder of my daughter than I can say. It has taken indomitable
will to withstand both abuse and the institutions and individuals
who continue to enable abuse.
When
the reality of domestic abuse changes it will happen because of women
like my daughter and not because of the legions of politicians and
attorneys who trade on their pain.
It will happen because we are not
going to just take it any more.
Thank
you Morgan. It is about time someone said NO.
